but i’ve been working. a lot. photo/assemblage pieces.

and i’ve been spending. a lot for me – especially since i have no job or work right now.
a color printer – a (daunting) commitment to printing at home.

and i’ve been in pain. a lot.
so surgery on my left hand is scheduled for day after tomorrow.
followed by awkwardness. a lot. 6 weeks of one-handed living.

and i’ve been paying attention. a lot.
and changing. a little.

who knows when or if this place will ever be a vehicle for communication – or even real reflection? I used to think my thinking might be worth sharing. I used to write and craft church services – not because i believed in god but because i believe in liturgy.  I liked constructing that experience – that communal consideration of accountability, conscience, action.

I used to be more confident – or at least more eager to perform – but confident of my ability to inspire, or to manipulate and conjure the sensation of being inspired? And is there a difference experientially for the listener?

My work has always felt like a ministry – a place where words can be met as tools of agency… blah blah whatever.  Now my own vocabularies – of connection, integrity, fearlessness – ring so hollow in a life that has never internalized them, never lived them in any way authentic enough to endure. I know this does not make me a hypocrite, but rather someone who did not know the difference between articulation and action, between insight and change – someone who did not know herself.

So. Now that I know I do not know, am i allowed to use those texts? Sure – i can use them aspirationally, meditatively – i can engage and the work will be true. That feels great.

But can I preach? Here, I mean. I don’t think so. When you write with a mind toward being read, it’s sposed to be an offering.  Coming to wordlessness about myself may be my greatest accomplishment so far. We’ll see if i have anything else to talk about.